Morning at the Friar’s Club

Posted by: , October 3, 2008 in 9:19 pm

Having a four-year-old is akin to living with one’s own personal heckler.

I realize that as a stay-at-home mom I am choosing to spend 24 hours a day with someone whose timing, sense of humor and lack of empathy is equal to that of…well…a preschooler.  Not that the cubicle mates from my previous life acted much better.I cannot seem to get through an hour without something being shouted to me from the Peanut Gallery.  If I drop the soap in the shower, I am guaranteed to hear, “Is everything okay?  What happened?” 

Please, just let me get through my morning ritual without being the subject of a running commentary.  A judgmental one, at that! 

“What’s that?” he later snipes, “Do you have a zit?” 

Yes.  I do.  I have had a dime-sized pimple on my face since last Thursday.  It has monopolized my every thought—in fact, I was late handing in this blog because of it.

“What are you doin’?” I hear him ask, “Are you puttin’ on zit cream?”

Why won’t he go into his bedroom and play?

Oh, and if you think my husband is immune to this treatment he is not.  In fact, sometimes he gets the worst of it.

“Dad, what’s goin’ on with your hair?”  Ben asks, squirreling up his eyes and nose in disgust, “You look like Dan Zanes.”

Hey!  Dan Zanes is cool.

“Ha!  Look what I found?” Mr. Judgmental announced this morning, “Dad dropped a coffee bean when he was grindin’.”

Thanks, Bean Police.

And Michael’s personal favorite:  “Dad, I like to poke you ‘cause your belly is squishier than mom’s.”

Okay, I kind of smiled to myself during that one.

The moral of my story is this:  When you decide to have a child, you are subjecting yourself to at least eighteen good years of feeling like you are the guest of honor at a Friar’s Club roast.

Our Roastmaster is only a few feet tall and terribly cute, yet somehow there are days when I feel like I am sharing a house with Andy Dick.          


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