Do Football Players Fart?

Posted by: , January 4, 2009 in 9:49 pm


Tonight was a huge night for me. I’m a San Diego Chargers fan. First round playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Great match up. I’m a huge sports fan and I take my football seriously. I do all the typical insane fan stuff. I wear my Bolts jersey. I don a Bolts cap. I slip into my Bolts sweatpants. I keep my most private of areas protected by Bolts boxer shorts. I am surrounded by a ton of Chargers memorabilia at all times. I even went as far as getting a Chargers lightening bolt tattooed on my shoulder this week. I know… It’s pathetic.But…

It’s football baby! It’s the one time during the week that is sacred. It’s the one time Dad gets a free pass. No questions asked. Why am I compelled to talk about football in this installment of Out-Numbered? I felt the need to share because tonight, for the first time, my oldest daughter decided to watch the game with me. She even wore a Chargers hat to show her support. My youngest daughter invited herself as well. It was a very special gesture on their part but I almost strangled myself. It’s nice when your kids show interest in something that’s important to you. It’s just not so nice when it’s playoff football. This is how it went down…

8:15pm Eastern Time – Kick off

Out-Numbered – “Thanks for watching the game with me sweetie.”

Six year old – “Can you get me some apple juice?”

Out-Numbered – “The game just started. You’ll have to wait until a break sweetie.”

Six year old – “But I’m thirsty now. When will they take a break?”

Out-Numbered – “In a few minutes. Just hang on.”

Two year old – “I want appy juice.”

Out-Numbered – “Hold on pumpkin. In a minute, I promise.”

Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “WE WANT APPLE JUICE! WE WANT APPLE JUICE! WE WANT APPLE JUICE!”

Out-Numbered – “Holy crap! OK! HONEY! CAN YOU GET THEM APPLE JUICE PLEASE?”

Wife – (calling from upstairs at the computer on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”

8:18pm Eastern Time

Six year old – “Daddy, do football players fart while they are running?”

Out-Numbered – “Huh?”

Six year old – “I said do they sometimes fart when they are running?”

Out-Numbered – “I suppose so. Why would you ask that?”

Two year old – “I make a farty!”

Six year old – “What if they have to go to the bathroom during the game?”

Out-Numbered – “They hold it in until they get a break.”

Six year old – “What if a break doesn’t come for a long time? Do they ever stop playing to go to the bathroom?”

Out-Numbered – “I’m sure that if it’s an emergency, they can go to the bathroom.”

Two year old – “I want to go potty!”

Six year old – “Daddy she has to go potty.”

Out-Numbered – “Wait for a break sweetheart.”

Two year old – “POTTY!”

Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “POTTY! POTTY! POTTY!”

Out-Numbered – “Holy crap! OK! HONEY! CAN YOU TAKE HER? SHE HAS TO GO POTTY!”

Wife – (calling from upstairs at the computer still on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”

8:23pm Eastern Time

Six year old – “Why do you like watching football anyway?”

Out-Numbered – “Because it’s fun for me.”

Six year old – “Why?”

Out-Numbered – “What do you mean, why?”

Six year old – “I mean it’s just a bunch of boys throwing balls around all the time. It doesn’t look very fun at all.”

Out-Numbered – “Well it is fun for me. Don’t I look like I’m having fun?”

Six year old – “No. You look angry.”

Out-Numbered – “Well, I’m not angry. I’m having fun.”

8:32pm Eastern Time – Colts 36 yard gain

Out-Numbered – “SHIT!”

Two year old – “Shit.”

Out-Numbered – “No baby. Don’t say that. That’s a bad word.”

Six year old – “What does Shit mean?”

Two year old – “Shit.”

Out-Numbered – “It’s a bad word. It’s another word for Doodie.”

Two year old – “Doodie!”

Six year old – “If it’s a bad word, why did you say it?”

Out-Numbered – “I was angry. I shouldn’t have said it.”

Six year old – “I thought you said you were having fun.”

Out-Numbered – “I was. But I’m not having fun right now.”

Six year old – “I told you football wasn’t fun…”

Two year old – “DOODIE!”

Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “DOODIE! DOODIE! DOODIE!”

Out-Numbered – “HOLY SHIT HONEY! CAN YOU PLEASE COME DOWN HERE?”

Six year old and Two year old (in unison) – “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!”

Wife – (calling from upstairs at the computer probably still on Facebook) “Ok. In a minute.”

8:35pm Eastern Time – Colts Touchdown

Out-Numbered – “NO! NOW PLEASE!!!!

11:25pm Eastern Time – Kids are asleep and Wife is folding laundry and watching the game with me. Chargers are losing 17-14.

Wife – “Why do you like watching football anyway?”

Out-Numbered – “Huh?”

Wife – “I said, why do you like watching football? You’re not even having fun?”

Out-Numbered – “I am having fun.”

Wife – “You don’t look like you’re having fun.”

Out-Numbered – (Sigh)

11:40pm Eastern Time – Chargers Win in OT

I feel much better now and for the record… I had fun even though I was Out-Numbered.

GO BOLTS


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