Sex and the Sippy is Knocked Up

Posted by: , January 5, 2009 in 8:21 pm


So. I’m pregnant. A home pregnancy test confirmed it last week. Even though I’ve known for sometime how babies are made, it’s always surprising when it happens to me. It’s like weight gain. Sure I know that cheesecake and popcorn are high in calories but when my pants actually fit tighter, I’m baffled.How do I feel? Thanks for asking, I feel great which actually worries me. Shouldn’t I be throwing up by now? Maybe I’m carrying a kitten or nectarine. I’m tired but what else is new?

One of the things I love about pregnancy is the pity. Once people know you’re with child suddenly expectations and personal responsibility go out the door faster than you can say “mucus plug.” What? I’m late picking my daughter up from a play-date? Sorry, I’m pregnant. Huh? Property taxes are supposed to be sent in by the date in bold, red, font? Sorry, I’m pregnant. What’s that now? This buffet is for the private party? Oops, I’m pregnant.

I think once a woman discovers she’s pregnant she should be whisked off to a private resort for the next 10 months (because we all know it isn’t nine) for relaxation and pampering. This could be our community’s little way of saying thank you for keeping the circle of life going. Why should we have to continue working and raising our current children? If men carried babies do we honestly think they’d keep working and carrying on as normal? Ever seen a dude with a cold? Yeah right. In my Utopian society pregnant women would splash in the surf all day only stopping for their mandatory full-body and scalp massages, gourmet meals, sleep, and entertainment. To solve the problem of missing our families, Skype-enabled laptops would be installed in every private cabana.

I really think I need to run for office. This could happen, folks.

I actually feel quite proud of how I’m conducting myself during this pregnancy. Instead of wearing a super-comfy sweatsuit to the park this morning with my 2.5-year old, I whipped off the pants and threw on tights and a short denim skirt. I looked like an 80’s music video slut, but damn I felt good. The stakes are higher in California. No one is using pregnancy as an excuse for being frumpy. Just walk down Robertson avenue in Los Angeles if you don’t believe me. The pregnant women are the hottest of them all. Zoom in using Google Earth for visual confirmation. Tight tummy hugging tops and dresses, perfect hair, and NO extra weight is the norm around here. I don’t quite fit in with my sweatshirt and churro, but who cares? All that matters is a healthy baby. A healthy baby and sexy maternity photos. A healthy baby, sexy maternity photos and no stretch marks.

Coming next…Pregnant Sex AKA Poking the Fetus¬†¬†


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