She Slices, She Dices

Posted by: , February 25, 2009 in 1:19 pm


I first noticed it a few months ago. I was exercising one morning and as usual my oldest daughter was watching television and keeping me company. I wasn’t paying attention to the television or anything in particular except not having a heart attack on the treadmill. My daughter turned to me and tried to get my attention. “Daddy.” I tried to signal to her in between strides to give me a second to finish up. “DADDY!” She was very impatient. Something seriously important was on her tiny little mind. I smacked the emergency stop button and practically fell off the machine.Out-Numbered – “What is it sweetheart? What’s the matter?”

Six Year Old – “Do we have Vonage or Phone Service?”

Out-Numbered – “Huh?”

Six Year Old – “DO WE HAVE VONAGE OR PHONE SERVICE?”

Out-Numbered – “Uh, I guess we have phone service… Why are you asking me that?”

Six Year Old – “Because Vonage is much better than Phone Service.”

Out-Numbered – “Come again?”

Six Year Old – “Dad, trust me. Just get Vonage!”

Fast forward one week…

It’s Sunday morning and as is customary in our house, I have been shuffling about in the kitchen preparing my weekly pancake breakfast.

Out-Numbered – “Pancakes are ready! Come and get em’.”

The wife and kids gather round the table.

Wife – “These look delicious honey.”

Out-Numbered – “Why thank you darling.”

Two Year Old – “Yummy pancakes. Yay!”

Six Year Old – “Daddy?”

Out-Numbered – “Yes pumpkin?”

Six Year Old – “I don’t want pancakes.”

Out-Numbered – “What do you mean? You love my pancakes.”

Six Year Old – “I used to but I don’t want regular pancakes anymore.”

Out-Numbered – “These aren’t regular pancakes baby. These are Daddy’s special pancakes. I make them with love just for you guys.”

Six Year Old – “I don’t want them anymore.”

Two Year Old – “I don’t want pancakes!”

Out-Numbered – “I don’t understand. What do you want then?”

Six Year Old – “I want Pancake Puffs.”

Out-Numbered – “Pancake Puffs? What are Pancake Puffs?

Six Year Old – “They are like pancakes but they are round and you can put stuff in the middle and it’s easy and it doesn’t stick to the pan and…”

Wife – “EAT YOUR PANCAKES!!!”

Fast forward another week…

It’s Saturday afternoon and my daughter and I are in the supermarket picking up a few things on the way home. We are checking out at the counter.

Checkout Girl – “$54.98 please.”

Out-Numbered – “Ok. Hang on. I think I have cash.”

Fumbling through my wallet trying to find the right amount of cash.

Out-Numbered – “Shoot. Sorry. I’ll use my debit card.”

Checkout Girl – “No problem.”

Six Year Old – “Daddy?”

Out-Numbered – “Hang on sweetie.”

Six Year Old – “You have too much stuff in your wallet?”

Out-Numbered – “What? One second.”

Checkout Girl – “Thank you. Here’s your receipt.”

Out-Numbered – “Thanks.”

Six Year Old – “Daddy. Why do you keep so much stuff in your wallet?”

Out-Numbered – “I need all this stuff.”

Six Year Old – “It’s too messy. You should get the Slim Clip.”

Out-Numbered – “The Slim Clip? Where do you get this stuff from?”

Six Year Old – “I saw it on TV.”

Out-Numbered – “Carry these bags…”

Later that day back home with my wife…

Out-Numbered – “I think our daughter watches too much Television.”

Wife – “That’s not true. I only let her watch TV for an hour or two a day.”

Out-Numbered – “Whatever it is, I think it’s too much.”

Wife – “Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?”

Out-Numbered – “Because whenever I’m with her I feel like I’m in an infomercial, that’s why.”

Wife – “Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit?”

Out-Numbered – “She’s like fucking Ron Popeil.”

Wife – “C’mon.”

Out-Numbered – “Seriously. I don’t even want to take her to McDonald’s anymore because I’m afraid she’s gonna lecture the person behind the counter about using the George Forman Grill because it’s healthier. We need to do something.”

Wife – “Give it a rest.”

Last weekend…

My wife and two daughters are playing in the den on the floor. I’m in the next room reading the paper within an ear shot.

Six Year Old – “I want to play tickle monster.”

Two Year Old – “Me too!”

Wife – “That sounds like fun. Who wants to be the tickle monster first?”

Six Year Old – “I do!”

Wife – “Ok. You tickle me and your sister.”

Two Year Old – “Tickle me!”

My six year old proceeds to jump on top of my wife and starts to tickle her belly. After a few seconds, she stops and has a thought…

Wife – “Why did you stop tickling me?”

Six Year Old – “Mommy? You have a mushy belly.”

Wife – “That’s not nice.”

Two Year Old – “Mommy’s belly is mushy.”

Wife – “I said that’s not nice.”

Six Year Old – “Why is your belly so mushy?”

Wife – “Because I had two babies in my belly, that’s why?”

Six Year Old – “Did you know that there is a machine that you can put on your belly and it makes all the mushiness go away?”

Wife – “Is that so?”

Six Year Old – “Yes. I think you should use it. It’s called Slendertone.”

Out-Numbered – “That’s sounds like a great suggestion honey.”

Wife – “Shut up!”

Six Year Old – “What’s wrong?”

Wife – “No TV for the rest of the week!”

Six Year Old – “But…”

Wife – “That’s it!”

Houston, we have a problem.

This time I think my wife was feeling a bit Out-Numbered…


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