I Suck. Goodnight.

Posted by: , May 20, 2009 in 10:50 am


This is a tribute. Kind of… As we all know, last weekend was Mother’s Day. Families across the country were paying homage to their beloved wives and moms in every possible way you can imagine. Kids were handing out crappy glass bunnies and ugly silk flowers like Dixie cups at a sperm bank. Husbands were giving away gift certificates for salons and day spas that their wives will never have the time to redeem. Mothers and daughters alike were collaborating and making memories in the kitchen with their special, super duper, Duncan Hines Angel Food Cake recipes. Ahhh Hallmark, you’ve done it again. Go ahead and pat yourself on your recycled paper back.

I’m afraid the Hallmark fairy forgot to stop at our house this year. Damn you! You son of a bitch. Instead of Glenda, my wife got Blair. My wife spent her Mother’s Day in bed, on her back. Stop it you dirty, filthy perverts. Get your minds out of the gutter. My wife threw her back out on Saturday and as a result was completely incapacitated for the entire weekend. As a matter of fact, as I write this tonight, she is still out of commission. Now, one might think that several days of forced rest and immobilization as well as a steady intake of painkillers and bedside service is quite possibly the best Mother’s Day present of all time. I for one, would tend to agree. Even though my wife got to play Brian Wilson for a week, it was still a major downer for her. Yes we still showered her with love and affection. Don’t worry, we managed to sneak in the fake gold earrings and the standard picture coffee mug. I even threw in my annual breakfast in bed for good measure but it wasn’t the same. No sir. I actually had a huge epiphany as a result of her misfortune. This changed my outlook on motherhood completely.

I realized something that I hadn’t really noticed before…

I suck. I truly, genuinely, positively suck and my wife is undeniably awesome.

I know what you’re thinking. Why did it take a back injury for me to realize that my wife is awesome? Well, I always knew that my wife was awesome but her greatness was compounded 1000x my new found realization of self suckage.

These are a few of the things that helped me see the light.

1) I ate my dinner on the toilet bowl.

Yes I did. I never fully appreciated the subtle luxury of a nice, prepared meal at the table after a long day at the office. My wife always has something for me to eat when I get home. It doesn’t have to be much but the fact that she takes the time to prepare something for me so I don’t have to, is pretty fucking nice. I never do that without someone asking me to. Beyond preparing the meal, she keeps the kids busy while I’m eating so I can actually enjoy it. When my wife was out, I found myself rummaging like a homeless person through leftovers, eating stale crackers and chunks of Hebrew National salami, whatever I could get my hands on. On more than one occasion I wound up scarfing down my dinner on the toilet, while supervising my daughter’s bath. Such a Rosanne moment.

2) I got shit on my finger.

I can’t tell you how terribly frustrating and disgusting it is (not to mention unsanitary) to get kid shit on your finger. I think I changed more diapers this week than I have in the last 6 years. Let’s just say that I accidentally administered MiraLAX to my two year old, twice. The ensuing result was quite simply… Shitty. Have you ever tried to stuff a shit filled diaper into a Diaper Genie at full capacity? I have three words for you: Doodie, Doodie, Doodie. Nuff said.

3) Vagina

I love my daughters. They have completely changed me as a human being. I’m a much better man today because of what they’ve taught me. But… I don’t want to see their vagina. Not now. Not later. Not ever. I don’t mind the two second wipe here and there or the cute little naked dance they sometimes do after bath time. It’s the intricacies of the V that I need not endure. I don’t want to see it spread open. I don’t want to know that it itches or that it’s dirty. I certainly don’t want to hear my daughter tell me that there is a piece of skin in there that looks like a knot. Look away. Please. My eyes burn. Nothing to see here. This is where Mom starts earning her cash money. Thank you very much.

The long and the short of it is… My wife does a lot of crap for our family. I used to do nothing and take it for granted. Like the great poser rock band Cinderella once said, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” I have to tell you, I’m counting the seconds until she’s back to 100%. Because I get a little bit suckier every day and I just can’t fill her HUGE slippers anymore.

This Mother’s Day made me realize that I am just a very small part of this parenting team. Hail to my Queen. Without her I am truly Out-Numbered…

P.S. While I write this with the utmost sincerity from the bottom of my heart, I am also hoping it gets me laid when she’s done with her physical therapy. Some things will never change.

 


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