I Need an IV Pump

Posted by: , June 27, 2009 in 10:28 am

Here’s the deal:? We love coffee.? Michael and I are big fans of coffee–not latte, not cappuccino, not frothy, whip creme-topped frappadappadoodles.? But, coffee.? Don’t try to brew us any sort of Cinnamon Nutmeg Pumpkin Muffin slop.? We drink coffee.? Black coffee.? We want no milk or cream.? We need no sugar, Sweet-n-Low, Equal or stevia.? We want to drink coffee, not a soft drink.? So, you can imagine our horror this week when our coffeemaker broke.Granted, we own a french press but Michael gets up at 4:30 A.M. and the french press is a bit of a hassle at that time of the morning.? So, earlier this week, when he woke to discover our sweet, metallic red Mr. Coffee had not brewed a 12-cup pot…he was distraught to say the least.? You see here is how it normally goes:

Every evening Michael grinds beans and programs the coffee maker to make 12 cups of java while he’s in the shower.? Because coffeemaker manufacturers believe we are all idiots who will forget to turn off our machines, it is hard to find a coffeemaker that doesn’t have an automatic 2-hour shut-off feature.? So, because Michael cannot drink 12 cups of coffee in the hour before he leaves for work, we purchased a thermal carafe.? He fills his travel mug and a small thermos (to take along to work) and pours the rest into the carafe for me (who, because of the auto shut-off feature,? would otherwise wake up to cold coffee almost 4 hours later).

Now…back to my original tale.? It’s Tuesday.? Michael wakes up to discover the coffeemaker has spewed coffee grounds over the top of the permanent filter and into the glass carafe.? No worries-we are willing to drink grounds.? Hell, I think I’ve chewed on a bean at some point.? Did I mention we love coffee?

Ah but the next morning…nothing’!? The machine never turned on.? It is as if it was trying to warn us.? It regurgitated grounds in an attempt to predict the future.? When Michael woke me to say “Goodbye,” he muttered, “The coffeemaker is broken.”? I vaguely remember thinking it would have an impact on me;? I didn’t realize how severe an impact…until the lack-of-caffeine headache set in.

I woke up hours later and shuffled downstairs.? No smoky scent of recently brewed coffee.? No warm carafe awaiting my sleepy arrival.? “Oh,” I groaned to Ben, “I forgot.? Dad said the coffeemaker is broken.”? “You can drink water!” Ben cheerfully exclaimed.? Seriously.? Water versus coffee.? The lack of caffeine is fairly key in that equation. So, like some kind of heroine addict, desperately trying to get her fix, I fiddled with the machine–unplugging it as if I had placed a call to the Java IT department and they had suggested I simply needed to reboot.? I pulled out the filter.? I put it back in.? I lifted the door to the water reservoir and closed it.? I pushed every goddamn button–even the “Clean” option.

My mom came over to our house that afternoon and:? unplugged the machine.? Pulled out the filter.? Put it back in.? Lifted the water reservoir lid.? And closed it.? She pushed every goddamn button–even the “Clean” option.

Later that night…at almost 9 PM? Michael and Benjamin and I stood in the Small Appliances aisle at Lowe’s clutching a $ 25 gift certificate (a timely Father’s Day token from Michael’s parents!).? We gazed at the various machines–priced from $ 29.99 up to $ 149.99.? We grabbed the exact same coffee maker we already owned-but in faux stainless steel instead of metallic red (our headaches made coffee, rather than decor the necessity). ? We skipped up to the counter with visions of Sumatra dancing in our heads.? The clerk scanned the appliance.? “That comes with the option to buy an extended warranty,” he said.? Michael and I laughed.? “Yea, our other one broke–that’s why we’re here,” I joked. ? The clerk laughed and then Benjamin launched into a dramatic retelling of our day.? “My Dad woke up and there was no coffee,” he began…”then, my Mom–this girl here–(he said pointing to me to clarify) came downstairs and guess what?? No coffee.”? The clerk howled.? I’m sure he had some inkling what a coffee-free morning can do to a person.? Well, Benjamin kept going on and on and when he was finally finished the clerk probed, “So were they walking around growling and grunting.”? Yep!? That about describes it.

The two of us without our coffee=two sasquatches.? If we had not showered & shaved…caffeineless, we would easily pass for Yetis.? Life is back to normal now.? We have a new coffeemaker, sans all the bells and whistles of a $ 149 one. And, my carafe is again filled with the sweet nectar of morning.? It takes so little to make us happy.


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