The Three D's of Being a Dad

Posted by: , February 1, 2010 in 10:07 am


outnumbered24 The Three D's of Being a DadSometimes being a Dad is dangerous. Sometimes it’s delightful. Other times, it’s delicious.

Dangerous

On Saturday night, I got slugged in the face by a bedazzled purse filled with Chucky Cheese Tokens. Yep that’s right. My 7 year old filled her purse with about 50 gold tokens and tossed it, in all of it’s glittery glory, right at my mug. She was standing about a foot away. It was like a prison beating. She might has well have packed a pillow case full of soda cans and pummeled me in my sleep. The worst part. No remorse. She claimed it was an accident. She said the purse slipped out of her hand. Like a cold hearted, blood thirsty, psychopath. When I regained consciousness, I sent her to her room for a time out.

Of course, I blame Chucky Cheese. Rat bastard.

Delightful

Over the weekend, I filled in for my wife and drove the Sunday School carpool. There are two other children in addition to my 7 year old daughter. A boy and two girls. Together they form the Kid Axis of Evil.

I love them.

This is our 6 minute ride…

My daughter and her little lady friend are yacking it up in the backseat. They are talking about Chris Daughtry and the earthquake in Haiti. We stop to pick up the boy.

Out-Numbered – “Hey little man. What’s up?”

Boy – “Nothing.”

Out-Numbered – “You seem upset. What gives?”

Boy – “I’m very angry.”

Out-Numbered – “Angry? About what?”

Boy – “I’m upset with my brother. He’s teasing me and I don’t like the way it makes me feel.”

Out-Numbered – “That’s not cool. What is he teasing you about?”

Boy – “He teasing me because he gets to spend more time with our dog.”

Out-Numbered – “Oh, that’s not fair. Why don’t you tell him to stop teasing you?”

Boy – “I TRIED THAT ALREADY!!!”

Out-Numbered – “Whoa! Settle down pal. I’m not the enemy here.”

This is pretty much where I become useless. So I throw it out to the ladies.

Out-Numbered – “Ladies! We have a question for you.”

Daughter – “What?”

Out-Numbered – “What should you do if someone is teasing you and they won’t stop?”

Daughter – “We should know! We learned this in Brownies.

Girl- “That’s easy. You just ignore them and walk away.”

Out-Numbered – “That’s a fantastic suggestion.”

Boy – “I TRIED THAT!!! IT DOESN’T WORK!!! UGH!”

Out-Numbered – “OK hang on a minute. Let’s say that doesn’t work. What else can you try?”

Both little ladies are raising their hands furiously.

Out-Numbered – “You in the back.”

Daughter – “Daddy you know who I am.”

Out-Numbered – “Proceed.”

Daughter – “You should try and talk to them and tell them how it makes you feel.”

Out-Numbered – “Good idea.”

Boy – “I TOLD YOU IT DOESN’T WORK!!!”

Out-Numbered – “How does it make you feel?”

Boy – “ANGRY!!!”

Out-Numbered – “Obviously. Have you tried punching him in the fuschnaykies?”

The girls erupt in laughter.

Boy – “I can’t do that. I’ll get in trouble.”

Out-Numbered – “You’re right. Bad idea.”

Daughter – “We know a boy at school who can burp the alphabet. Can you burp the alphabet?

Out-Numbered – “Sure can.”

Kids – chanting “DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!”

Out-Numbered – “AAAAEEEE”, “BEEEEEAAAA”, “CEEEEEYA”, “DEEEEEYA”, “AYYYCHA”, “IIIIIEEEEYYYA”

Laughter

Out-Numbered – “I think I might throw up.”

Daughter – “OK. That’s enough! Can you put on Radio Disney?”

Out-Numbered – “Nope. But I can sing.”

Kids – “NOOOOOOOO!”

Out-Numbered – “YODELAYHEHOOOO!”

Kids – “STOP IT!!!”

Out-Numbered – “LADA DEEE, LADA DUMM, LADA DEEE!”

Daughter – “You know what?”

Girl – “What”

Daughter – “My Dad’s bestest friend in the whole world, has cancer.”

Girl – “Well my Dad went to a place called UConn and it’s blue and white and he had a friend that had cancer there and…

Daughter – “Yeah but my Dad knows Adam Graves and he used to play on the Rangers but now he just works for them and my Dad got him to go to the hospital with him to see his friend that has cancer and my teacher says that was really nice to do and…

Out-Numbered – “Baby, he didn’t come to the hospital. He met us at the Rangers game.”

Daughter – “Whatever.”

Out-Numbered – “OK troops. We’re here. Everybody out.”

Daughter – “Dad, can we adopt a child from Haiti?”

Out-Numbered – “No.”

Daughter – “DAAAAADDDD.”

Out-Numbered – “OUT!”

Daughter – “You’re so mean.”

Out-Numbered – “Have fun!”

Delicious

IMG00170 20100112 0838 The Three D's of Being a Dad

That’s what I’m talking about. My cure for being Out-Numbered…


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