The List

Posted by: , September 29, 2010 in 11:46 am


Men areIMG00054 20100920 2123 The List simple creatures.  We like steak and Doritos and tools.  We don’t like satin sheets or hairspray. We despise area rugs and/or tapestries and we absolutely loathe speed walking.  We also like Football. We like to watch it uninterrupted on Sundays.  And then this happens…

Sunday afternoon 4:13pm. Two minutes before kickoff. Chargers VS Jaguars.

Out-Numbered – All I ask is that you keep them upstairs until halftime.

Wife – Fine. But I haven’t had a moment to myself this whole weekend you know.

Out-Numbered – I know. I love you.

Wife – Whatever.

Out-Numbered – Hey.

Wife – Yes?

Out-Numbered – Can you bring me some snacks?

Wife – Go fuck yourself.

Out-Numbered – Thanks Hon.

She walks up the stairs.

3 Year Old – Daddy?

Out-NumberedFuck me! Yes baby?

3 Year Old – Can you play supermarket with me?

Out-Numbered – I’m sorry baby. Not right now.

3 Year Old – Why?

Out-Numbered – Because Daddy is watching football.

3 Year Old – Can’t you pause it?

Out-Numbered – No baby. I’m very tired and I need to rest.

3 Year Old – You can rest later.

Out-Numbered – No baby. Daddy’s back hurts. He needs to lay down.

3 Year Old – Well, then we can play Doctor and I’ll fix your back.

She creeps down the stairs slowly.

Out-Numbered – Not now sweetheart. Maybe later.

3 Year Old – Please Daddy.

Out-Numbered – Baby, I said not now.

She starts to tear up. Biting of the bottom lip ensues.

Out-Numbered – OK. I’ll pause it but only for 10 minutes.

3 Year Old – Daddy. That’s too short.

Out-Numbered – I said 10 minutes. Beggars can’t be choosers.

3 Year Old – How about 5 minutes?

Out-Numbered – Uh, OK. 5 minutes.

Sucker.

3 Year Old – Thank you Daddy.

Out-Numbered – Sure. Now where are we going shopping?

3 Year Old – Today we’re going to Trader Joe’s.

Out-Numbered – Great. What do we need?

3 Year Old – We need a lot of food.

Out-Numbered – OK. Shall I make a list?

3 Year Old – Yes please.

I go to grab a pen and some paper.

Out-Numbered – OK. I’m ready. What do we need?

3 Year Old – A necklace.

Out-Numbered – OK. I didn’t know they have necklaces at Trader Joe’s. What else?

3 Year Old – Food.

Out-Numbered – Food? That’s pretty vague. What else?

3 Year Old – Cups.

Out-Numbered – Cups. Got it.

3 Year Old – Spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles, another spoon.

Out-Numbered – Hang on. Slow down. Another Spoon…

3 Year Old – A fish, a cone, pickles, french fries, tomatoes, sushi, wine, french fries.

Out-Numbered – You already said french fries.

3 Year Old – Daddy. Please.

Out-Numbered – OK.

3 Year Old – Sushi.

Out-Numbered – So you want two sushi , uh sushies?

3 Year Old – Yes.

Out-Numbered – Got it.

3 Year Old – A pan, a cupcake holder, cupcakes, chicken, eggs which we already have.

Out-Numbered – If we already have them, then why do we need them?

3 Year Old – DADDY! PLEASE!

Out-Numbered – Jeez. Don’t yell at me.

3 Year Old – A bowl, tops, a cookie, a shell, ducks, dogs, lambs, a head…

Out-Numbered – A head?

3 Year Old – Yes.

Out-Numbered – I’m pretty sure they won’t have a head.

3 Year Old – YES THEY WILL.

Out-Numbered – I don’t think so.

3 Year Old – DADDY! JUST WRITE THE LIST!

Out-Numbered – You have two minutes left.

3 Year Old – A mermaid, another head, a xylophone, a big ball, a car and wipes.

Out-Numbered – Is that it?

3 Year Old – Um… Yes.

Out-Numbered – Can I go watch football now?

3 Year Old – No. You have to read back the list.

Out-Numbered – HONEY!!!! CAN YOU COME DOWN HERE PLEASE!!!!

Wife – NOPE.

Out-Numbered – Necklace, food, cups, spoons, chopsticks, knives, spatulas, bottles…

outnumbered47 The List outnumbered


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