I Don't Mean To Freak You Out

Posted by: , November 10, 2010 in 1:10 pm


turkey I Don't Mean To Freak You OutUm, you guys?  We’re half-way through November.  Wasn’t it just Halloween, like, yesterday or something?  What the heck happened?  More than one friend of mine has posted that they’re done with their holiday shopping.  Obviously, I haven’t even started.  I say “obviously,” because as you know, I just noticed that November is half over.  I don’t mean to freak you out, but Thanksgiving is next week.

This year, for the first time ever, I will be “hosting” Thanksgiving.  Last year we were up at my parents’ house, and ever year before that we had celebrated Thanksgiving with my husband’s family in Connecticut.  This year, my parents are coming down to our place.  This is awesome for the obvious reasons (I love my parents and enjoy hanging out with them) but also because having company will force me to clean the house.

1Tday I Don't Mean To Freak You Out

I hate cleaning.  Really.  I hate the picking-up that has to be done in order to do the cleaning.  My method of picking-up involves zig-zagging around the house with a garbage bag, throwing out oatmeal bar wrappers and handfuls of McToys.

We have a room that’s ostensibly referred to as “The Playroom” but really it’s “The Place The Kids Go To Make a Huge Freaking Mess.”  Most of the mess is craft stuff. This room consistently looks like Martha Stewart dropped by and had a drunken tantrum.  Today I had the kids clean up this room, and we dragged out a large black garbage bag full of half-smashed clay people, knots of yarn, cardboard structures, and tiny balls of tinfoil.  Do you realize how much of that crap it takes to fill a large garbage bag?  Entirely too much crap, is how much.

Real Simple has an article out on how to clean your pantry in exactly 15 minutes.  Is it possible that the Real Simple people are high?  Because there is no. freaking. way. I can clean my pantry in 15 minutes.  For example, for Minutes 10 through 11, Real Simple says I am to “Dry shelves thoroughly with a cloth.  Apply shelf liner (it wipes clean and makes it easier to slide things in and out).”

3tday I Don't Mean To Freak You Out

I’d have to be out of my gourd on methamphetamines to thoroughly dry my pantry shelves with a cloth in two minutes.  If I was to attempt to apply shelf liner during that allotted time, I would end up slicing my fingers off with the X-acto knife.  Which would thereby slow my cleaning time down even more, because blood is a bitch to get off a Cheerios box.

Plus, the Real Simple article doesn’t even begin to take into consideration the fact that there are a lot of shiny things in my pantry, so I will be distracted.  I’ll be trying to thoroughly dry the shelves with a cloth as directed, and then I’ll be all “Ooooh!  My old-fashioned apple-peeler!  I should totally make home-made applesauce right now!”  And then a couple hours later all the cans will still be on the pantry floor, and my kitchen will be trashed, but I’ll have some really great applesauce.  Of course, during the applesauce-making time, those shelves will have air-dried their damned selves.  Thoroughly.

Perhaps the Real Simple people save time by just throwing everything out.  The article specifies that dried herbs and ground spices lose their potency after six months, so they should be tossed. Are they getting kickbacks from McCormick or something?  That stuff is expensive.  I’m not throwing out those pricey little jars after six months.  Are you kidding me?

Also?  Real Simple thinks I should be doing this pantry-cleaning in preparation for Thanksgiving.  Screw you, Real Simple.  You know what I need to do to prepare for Thanksgiving?  Do laundry so my parents can sleep on clean sheets. Finish picking up balls of tinfoil from the playroom floor.  Sort through the junk that has accumulated on my kitchen counter.

You know what I don’t need to do to prepare for Thanksgiving?  Start a meth habit so I can live up to Real Simple’s standards.  I’m pretty sure my parents will be okay with my non-perfect pantry.


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