Pregnancy Brain

Posted by: , February 2, 2011 in 1:29 pm


pregancy brainToday I placed my son’s glasses on top of the car, and drove off like that. In all fairness, my hands were full – car keys, backpack, glasses, and belligerent autistic four-year-old who did not want to go to school. I put the glasses down because I didn’t want them to break. Awesome.

This is what we call Mommy Brain. Mommy Brain accounts for all the things you mess up until senile dementia takes over. Before Mommy Brain, there is Pregnancy Brain, which is actually worse. Pregnancy Brain is caused by having gallons of progesterone floating around your body while trying to grow an entire human being in your body. It’s like the craziest Sea Monkey science experiment evah, and it’s happening inside you. It’s amazing you can even remember to get up in the morning.

Fortunately, Mother Nature takes over and ensures that you do the bare necessities – your body tells you urgently when it’s time to eat, sleep, and pee, which is pretty much all you do during a pregnancy anyway.

However, because your brain is so busy telling you that you have to pee like a racehorse right this very second, it stops telling you other things. Important things, which might affect your employment or your ability to function normally in society.

I had four children in the space of five years, so I pretty much have irretrievable brain damage at this point. Possibly, when they’ve all gone off to college, I’ll be able to spark some new brain cells by doing lots of crossword puzzles. Maybe I should start taking some of those souped-up “senior” vitamins (or “geezer pills,” as my parents call them) to try to stave off the inevitable dementia that’s coming my way.

During my first pregnancy, when I was still working, I forgot the email password I had had for months. It was completely gone from my head, and had to be reset. I didn’t do too many other stupid things at work because I was so busy throwing up during that pregnancy.

PCbluesclues Pregnancy Brain

When I was pregnant the second time, I already had two-year-old twins. I remember lying (on my left side, of course) on the couch, watching Blue’s Clues with my toddlers and being stumped. Let me say it again: I was stumped by Blue’s Clues. I was all, “dang, Blue, I have no. freaking. clue. what the heck you want. Steve, you’re a freaking genius to figure out those fiendish clues.”

That wasn’t my only proud moment. During my pregnancies, I did all kinds of stupid stuff. I showed up for an ultrasound appointment a day early, and an OB appointment a day late. My daughters missed a swim lesson because I got lost on the way to the pool. I still have no idea how that happened.

One of my friends is right now pregnant with her fifth girl. Her oldest is only seven, so she’s been steeping in progesterone and prolactin for the better part of a decade now. Her round ligaments and her brain are shot. The other day she stood outside her house, attempting to open the door with her remote car door opener. She just stood there, clicking and clicking, wondering why the door didn’t beep and unlock. Poor thing.

My friend L. has the most entertaining Pregnancy Brain evah. She completely loses the filter that stops you from saying the things you’re only supposed to say in your mind.

Once, when she was pregnant, L. told a smart alecky co-worker to suck her d–k. This is a woman with a graduate degree in business who never swears at work. She later said that because she was pregnant with a boy, it was at least linguistically correct.

PCpostit Pregnancy BrainDuring her next pregnancy, in a meeting with several co-workers, including two company vice-presidents, someone commented on another person’s new haircut. L. piped up with, “too bad you didn’t do something about those nose hairs.”
L.’s unfiltered mouth when she has Pregnancy Brain is so shocking and hilarious, I wish she would have more kids. However, it’s astonishing she managed to keep her job through two pregnancies, so she’s decided to stop while she’s still employed.

The best thing you can do about Pregnancy Brain is to prioritize and then enjoy it. Put sticky notes on everything so that you remember the essentials, then use Pregnancy Brain as the perfect excuse for pretty much anything you don’t feel like doing. “Sorry, I forgot about that. I have Pregnancy Brain.”


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