The Crappiest Baby on the Block

Posted by: , July 18, 2011 in 3:41 pm

crappiest baby2-1

For those who swear by The Happiest Baby on the Block, you might find this take on the popular book amusing. Or offensive, depending on your sense of humor…

If you ever ask yourself, “is my baby crappy?” it probably is. Here’s a handy way to tell:
– Does your baby cry?
– Does your baby wake up at godawful hours of the night?
– Does your baby literally shit in her pants?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you have a crappy baby. Probably the crappiest baby on the block. But don’t worry – it’s not your fault. It’s the baby’s fault.

Luckily, there’s something you can do about it. As a practicing pediatricianist* of 20 years , I’ve developed five simple techniques that you can use to make your baby less crappy.

What you hold in your hands now is the 380 page book that will teach you these five simple techniques. Why 380 pages, if it’s just five simple techniques? Because that’s how long books are. I don’t make the rules. Read it.

[Pages 2-379 cut for time.]

Ok, still with me? In summary, here are my techniques:

1) Swaddling. This is the most important technique. Everything else is based on this. Luckily, with practice it’s really not hard. I’ve practiced for 20 years and I can do it, so you’d have to be a fucking moron not to be able to do it too.

Most people make the mistake of not getting the swaddling blanket tight enough. The problem is, they’re using a swaddling blanket. Use duct tape instead.

The other mistake people make is to wrap the baby’s arms to try to recreate the feeling of being inside the mother’s womb. But if you look closely at your baby you’ll notice the crying sound is actually coming out of its mouth-hole! Forget the arms. Cover the mouth-hole with duct-tape and your baby will stop crying immediately!

I guarantee this will work for all babies. Even Puerto Rican babies! It’s incredible.

Just please be careful not to cover the baby’s nose-holes too, or your baby might asphyxiate and die. Oh what, you think that’s funny? Sure, everyone thinks dead babies are hilarious. But when it’s your baby that dies, believe me, it’s a total hassle.

2) Turn the baby on its side. Shows them who’s boss.

3) The SHHH technique. Many babies find white noise calming, so try this: put your mouth very close to your baby’s ear. Purse your lips. And then shout: SHHHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR TWO GODDAMNED SECONDS SO I CAN EAT MY FROSTED MINI WHEATS!!! The baby might not be calmed, but you will be. Fuck the baby.

4) “Jiggle” them. This never works.

5) Number five… good old number five… let’s see… I’m sorry, with the baby crying in the background I can’t think of what five was. I’ll get back to you. Oh I got it! Number five is — No, wait. I was going to say duct tape but I already said that. I CAN’T THINK WITH ALL THIS GODDAMNED CRYING!! BABY, QUIET!! WHERE IS YOUR PACIFIER!! THERE, NOW SHUT UP!! Ok, that’s better. Oh, right, that’s it: babies like to suck on things. Like a pacifier. That’s the great technique #5. Buy a pacifier. (See, now aren’t you glad you read the entire book?)

So that’s it. Are my techniques controversial? Sure. Are they illegal? The state of Maryland says so. But do they work? No. But do they make YOU feel better? I hope so. I know I’m glad you bought this book. Now go buy my DVD too. It’s the exact same information, but only takes me 2 hours to watch. Plus you get to see me in a sweater vest. Either way I’m just deeply gratified that you’re giving me your money.

And remember: if all else fails, you can always return your baby for a refund. What, you didn’t keep your receipt? Well now you’re screwed.

* I just made this title up.


1 Feedback so far. to The Crappiest Baby on the Block

  1. jessadobbs on June 30th, 2011 2:32 pm

    I needed a laugh 🙂

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