Not Enough Ketchup in the World

Posted by: , February 24, 2012 in 11:56 am

squirrel Not Enough Ketchup in the WorldAll the media outlets are abuzz with their predictions for 2012, and one of the favorite things to write about seems to be food trends. For those of you who don’t know, “food trends” are things that excite people who don’t have to make the same dinner every night for their picky, OCD-ish kids.

Here are twelve of the most insane food predictions for 2012, and why they will or won’t work for my family. They’re probably also twelve reasons I’m not a food blogger, but whatever.

black hamburger21. Black Food

Several sources cite black food as being a major 2012 food trend, and we’re not talking about squid ink pasta. We’re talking about “health water” that’s black (because that certainly doesn’t remind me of the Plague). It’s even come to the mainstream (if anything European can be considered mainstream) at the European fast food chain Quick, which presents the Dark Vador Burger.

I guess misspelling Vader is also trendy. My family is dying for these things to come to the U.S. I’m on board too, because I don’t need much of a reason not to cook.

squirrel2 Not Enough Ketchup in the World2. Squirrel Meat

CNN reports that squirrel meat may be a food trend for 2012, because it’s ecologically sound. Well, sure. I mean, there are about 20 of those obnoxious little bastards in my backyard right now. As a mom, all I can say is that this is an excellent way to mess with your kids.
“Mom, what’s for dinner?”
“Squirrel nuggets.”
“Fine, I will never complain about your cooking being boring again.”

black squirrel3. So, therefore … Black Squirrel?

OMG! We have a black squirrel in our backyard, too. We call him Darth Squirrel. I bet if I mash up the squirrel trend and the black foods trend, I could be on Top Chef. Remember, people: black squirrel. You heard it hear first.

tongue Not Enough Ketchup in the World

4. Creepy “Odd Bits” Cuts of Meat

Good Housekeeping enthusiastically proclaims “odd bits” of meat to be a trend for 2012. “Tongue, gizzards, pigs’ ears, tripe, chicken livers, beef heart, pork belly, lamb neck, oxtails! Yes!” Um, no. As hard as this economy is hitting my family, I’d rather just eat spaghetti again, thanks.

5. Blood

blood Not Enough Ketchup in the World The James Beard Foundation giddily sees blood pancakes, blood cups, sauces thickened with blood, and chocolate -blood ice cream in our future for 2012. You know what? I don’t care how much your tweens love Twilight or how much you love soft core porn True Blood. That’s just nasty.

6. Toadfish

Fox News, always an arbiter of even-handed reporting good taste, predicts that over-fishing of traditional choices will lead us to find some more exotic fish for dinner. Among them: paiche, fugu, and toadfish. My plan: after some whole toadfish shows up at our table a couple times, my kids will be all over the salmon they’re rejecting now.
moss2 Not Enough Ketchup in the World
7. Moss and Lichen

Chef and author Rozanne Gold, self-proclaimed creator of food trends, predicts that we’ll soon be eating moss and lichen. Of course, I just said that people will eating squirrels with Darth Vader helmets, so it turns out that anyone with access to the Internet can say they create food trends.

8. Rabbit and Goat

Huffington Post says rabbit and meat will be on our plates for 2012. Before you get on board with this, you should know that when you buy rabbit to cook, it looks like a rabbit. There is no mistaking a bunny leg when you see it, with or without fur. Also, there is probablrabbit Not Enough Ketchup in the Worldy no stopping your husband from grabbing said bunny leg, and making it “hop” across your counter. I know this, because once, for an allergy test for my son, I had to cook some rabbit meat.

The butcher included in the package the teeny, tiny little organs. What the hell? I almost passed out. I was actually grateful my son turned out to be allergic to rabbit.

Fatal Attraction Bonus: My husband picked it up for me on the way home from work. He brought it into the kitchen, holding up the bag, and said “I will not be ignored.”

muffet Not Enough Ketchup in the World9. Whey

Bon Appetit says whey will be trendy for 2012. Finally, the kids can understand what the hell Miss Muffet has been eating.

10. Cookies for Breakfast

Bon Appetit also says “cookies for breakfast” are hot. Bon Appetit doesn’t have autistic kids, obviously, because cookies are not for breakfast. Just like orange juice is not for lunch, pancakes are not for dinner, and sandwiches can only be eaten between the hours of 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

cookies Not Enough Ketchup in the WorldPlus, thanks to Little Dude’s extremely black-and-white thinking, if I ever did convince him that special healthy cookies were for breakfast, he would then apply that information to all cookies. I would have to call the cookies something completely different. Like flat muffins. It all just seems like too much work for me at 7 in the morning.

11. Mismatched Dishes

Oh! I can do this one! HuffPo also says mismatched dishes will be at all the coolest restaurants. Turns out I have been on the cutting edge this whole time, with my mix of “fine china” from IKEA, Target, and Dora.

12. Some Extremely Complicated and Expensive Appliance

Foodies are all so excited they could pee, because some extremely complicated machine called a sous vide is now available for home use. Apparently the deal is that you vacuum-pack your fappliance Not Enough Ketchup in the Worldood, and then cook it in an “immersion bath” of hot water. Dude. Isn’t that how you make frozen creamed spinach? You throw the plastic baggie in a pot of boiling water?

Not impressed. For that kind of money (home sous vide machines cost between $300 and $800), someone could just deliver food right to my door and I wouldn’t even have to cook. For months.


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