Dear Dora, We Need To Talk.

Posted by: , July 8, 2013 in 4:00 pm


dora Dear Dora, We Need To Talk.

Dear Dora,

We need to talk.

I’ve been letting you into my home on a daily basis for the last nine years.  Just when I think we’re outgrowing you, bam, I have another kid, and there you are again, screaming at me to abre!  At this point, I feel like we’re totally BFF’s.   So I think I can tell you something important, and hopefully you won’t be too offended.

You’re getting on my nerves, girlfriend.

You’re putting way too many demands on me.  You need to stop yelling at me to stand up, stand up, STAND UP!  I just want to sit here on the couch and drink my coffee and appreciate the fact that my head is sized proportionately to my body.  I don’t want to abre, salta, or corre.  I want to sit here and check Facebook while my kids zone out.  But I can’t even concentrate on something as mindless as Facebook because you’re screeching at me.

Also, I appreciate the fact that you are able to find volcanoes on your own without bothering your parents about it. I like that kind of independence.  However, it does concern me that your parents let you and your cousins traipse around the rain forest with only a talking map to guide you.  In fact, the whole situation seems like a bad peyote trip, and your parents don’t seem to be supervising the situation at all.

Perhaps your pushiness is simply a reaction to being neglected by your parents. They obviously haven’t taken you clothes shopping in a while. If you keep wearing that same belly shirt you’re going to be as skankeriffic as Lindsay Lohan in no time.  I see that you’re often left to forage for your own food: blueberries, chocolate, Big Red Chicken.  What little you find, Swiper steals.  It’s sad, really.

maxruby Dear Dora, We Need To Talk. Is it possible that your parents are out partying somewhere with Max and Ruby’s parents?  Because that would explain a lot.

I have a funny feeling that Caillou’s parents may be involved as well.  They are a little too calm in the face of so much whining.  Why hasn’t Caillou’s mom ever snapped, “For God’s sake, Caillou, maybe if you stop whining for five seconds I’d be able to think straight and figure out why you’re bald”?  I’ll tell you why. It’s because she’s whacked out on Mommy’s Little Helpers.

Dora, I promise that if you can stop yelling at me so much, I will try to help you.  Maybe a call to Child Protective Services is in order. Or maybe an episode of Intervention featuring the entire line-up of Nick Jr. parents.  [Note: I believe this is the exact moment my blog became ineligible for any of the awards on the Nickelodeon “Parents Connect” site.]

caillou Dear Dora, We Need To Talk. Jeez, Dora, the more I think about it, the more worried I am about y’all.  Ruby’s been on her own for years, taking care of Max, with only their tipsy grandmother peeking in once in a while.  Max has a significant speech delay and doesn’t seem to be getting any Early Intervention services. Why hasn’t anyone stepped in?  Is the Bunny Scout leader blind?

And who will take care of Caillou and Rosie?  The mom is whacked out on tranquilizers and the dad is oblivious.  Best-case scenario for Caillou is that someone hooks him up with a foster home and Locks of Love.

And you, Dora.  You’re off gallivanting around the world being supervised by a monkey.  It’s not good.  So please, I beg of you,  stop yelling at me, and I will help you.

Just let me finish my coffee first.


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