The Family Bed

Posted by: , February 1, 2015 in 1:59 pm

family bedParenthood, like politics, is a completely partisan endeavor. George Lakoff, the Linguistics Professor who wrote “Moral Politics,” says that Republicans are like paternalistic, tough-love, corporal punishment-doling dads who think their kids should act responsibly and pull themselves up by their own boot straps, and never ever ask anyone for a hand-out, and that Democrats on the other hand are like compassionate, gentle, earth-mothering moms

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The Haggard Mother Sleep Training Method

Posted by: , December 20, 2014 in 7:29 pm

haggard mother 2My son wasn’t a sleeper.

I remember going to my Moms’ Group with a woman who had a little boy that was born the day after my son. When the boys were around six-weeks old she came in beaming, “Kai slept through the night last night!” All I could think was, “hallelujah! The light is at this end of this sleepless tunnel!” I went home and told my husband that any day our son should be sleeping all night!

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SuperNanny? More Like Substitute Mommy.

Posted by: , November 2, 2014 in 5:38 pm

supernanny SuperNanny? More Like Substitute Mommy.Self-proclaimed “SuperNanny” Jo Frost has recently released a book, in which she explains how to keep toddlers from running and ruining the lives of parents, and basic instructional advice about how to avoid complete meltdowns in public. Theirs, not yours, apparently. She comes at the angle of disciplining children seemingly better and smarter than any parent. After all, what do parents know? Besides our own children since the day they were born?

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The Good Wife: Explosive Episode Airing this Sunday!

Posted by: , October 25, 2013 in 1:12 pm

7adb2d282e94c04fb80b2b4806a40862 The Good Wife:  Explosive Episode Airing this Sunday!

Sundays have become the best television night of the week. The best of the bunch is by far, “The Good Wife” on CBS. It has everything I want in entertainment, infidelity, scandal, political intrigue and those intense courtroom scenes.

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2 Broke Girls: Familiar Teritory

Posted by: , October 21, 2013 in 8:27 am

37029675d2c8354b07e04bbd29c9c339 2 Broke Girls: Familiar Teritory

I love watching 2 Broke Girls because it reminds me of when I was single and living with my friends in New York City. With my three kids in the suburbs, it feels like a century ago. I was so broke that I paid $100 a month to live on my friend’s couch. Even though I was working full time at a news station, it was entry level, so after my couch rental, I had barely enough to survive, let alone to have a social life.

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The Lowdown on Car Seat Safety

Posted by: , September 19, 2013 in 12:40 pm

As a parent we hear contradicting car seat info constantly. We’ve all got that friend whose huge child is still sitting in a car seat. So what’s the real deal? When are kids supposed to be out of car seats and in boosters? What are the state laws? The folks at Maxi-Cosi have made it super easy to navigate. Check out this graphic:

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Back-to-School Health Tips

Posted by: , August 3, 2013 in 12:19 am

L_il Critters Gummy Vites Multivitamin | drugstore.comAs August winds down kids start realizing that the summer is almost over. Some kids are looking forward to seeing their friends while others are dreading back-to-school. The best thing we can do as parents is to be enthusiastic (excitement is contagious) and to make sure our kids are healthy and strong to start the new school year.

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How Much Weight to Gain During Pregnancy

Posted by: , July 31, 2013 in 2:25 am

 How Much Weight to Gain During PregnancyThis is one of those things where doctors tell you that you have to gain weight then are all “Whoa, easy there Horton” if you gain too much.

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Dear Dora, We Need To Talk.

Posted by: , July 8, 2013 in 4:00 pm

dora Dear Dora, We Need To Talk.

Dear Dora,

We need to talk.

I’ve been letting you into my home on a daily basis for the last nine years.  Just when I think we’re outgrowing you, bam, I have another kid, and there you are again, screaming at me to abre!  At this point, I feel like we’re totally BFF’s.   So I think I can tell you something important, and hopefully you won’t be too offended.

You’re getting on my nerves, girlfriend.

You’re putting way too many demands on me.  You need to stop yelling at me to stand up, stand up, STAND UP!  I just want to sit here on the couch and drink my coffee and appreciate the fact that my head is sized proportionately to my body.  I don’t want to abre, salta, or corre.  I want to sit here and check Facebook while my kids zone out.  But I can’t even concentrate on something as mindless as Facebook because you’re screeching at me.

Also, I appreciate the fact that you are able to find volcanoes on your own without bothering your parents about it. I like that kind of independence.  However, it does concern me that your parents let you and your cousins traipse around the rain forest with only a talking map to guide you.  In fact, the whole situation seems like a bad peyote trip, and your parents don’t seem to be supervising the situation at all.

Perhaps your pushiness is simply a reaction to being neglected by your parents. They obviously haven’t taken you clothes shopping in a while. If you keep wearing that same belly shirt you’re going to be as skankeriffic as Lindsay Lohan in no time.  I see that you’re often left to forage for your own food: blueberries, chocolate, Big Red Chicken.  What little you find, Swiper steals.  It’s sad, really.

maxruby Dear Dora, We Need To Talk. Is it possible that your parents are out partying somewhere with Max and Ruby’s parents?  Because that would explain a lot.

I have a funny feeling that Caillou’s parents may be involved as well.  They are a little too calm in the face of so much whining.  Why hasn’t Caillou’s mom ever snapped, “For God’s sake, Caillou, maybe if you stop whining for five seconds I’d be able to think straight and figure out why you’re bald”?  I’ll tell you why. It’s because she’s whacked out on Mommy’s Little Helpers.

Dora, I promise that if you can stop yelling at me so much, I will try to help you.  Maybe a call to Child Protective Services is in order. Or maybe an episode of Intervention featuring the entire line-up of Nick Jr. parents.  [Note: I believe this is the exact moment my blog became ineligible for any of the awards on the Nickelodeon “Parents Connect” site.]

caillou Dear Dora, We Need To Talk. Jeez, Dora, the more I think about it, the more worried I am about y’all.  Ruby’s been on her own for years, taking care of Max, with only their tipsy grandmother peeking in once in a while.  Max has a significant speech delay and doesn’t seem to be getting any Early Intervention services. Why hasn’t anyone stepped in?  Is the Bunny Scout leader blind?

And who will take care of Caillou and Rosie?  The mom is whacked out on tranquilizers and the dad is oblivious.  Best-case scenario for Caillou is that someone hooks him up with a foster home and Locks of Love.

And you, Dora.  You’re off gallivanting around the world being supervised by a monkey.  It’s not good.  So please, I beg of you,  stop yelling at me, and I will help you.

Just let me finish my coffee first.

What Getting to “Sleep In” Really Sounds Like

Posted by: , July 1, 2013 in 2:47 am

6:41 a.m.

Pitter-patter of little feet down the hall.

Junior: Mom? MOM? I’m awake.

Me: It’s still early, Junior. Try to go back to sleep.

Junior: Okaaaaaay.

Pitter-patter of little feet back down the hall.

Chuck: Why must they get up at the ass crack of dawn? Why? [Immediately falls back asleep]

Me: I’m soooooooo tired.

Chuck: Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh? You sleep in. I’ll get up with the kids. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

6:52 a.m.

Everette: Moooooooooom! Daaaaaaaaaaaaad! Waaaaaaaake!

Me: Damn them!

Chuck: Huh? I’ll get up. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Pitter-patter of little feet down the hall. 

Junior: Mom? Everette’s awake. Can I get up?

Me: It’s still the, um, middle of the night, Junior. Go back to sleep.

Junior: But Everette’s awake. And I can see the sun.

Me: Just try, okay? Both of you.

Pitter-patter of little feet back down the hall. 

Chuck: What time is it?

Me: Not even 7.

Chuck: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7:04 a.m.

Cat: Meow. Meow. Meeoooooooooow.

Everette: Meeoooooooooow! Kitty! Meow! Kitty! ‘Mere, kitty!

Me: Damn that cat!

Chuck: Huh? I’ll get up. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Pitter-patter of little feet down the hall. 

Junior: Mom? The cat’s keeping me awake.

Me: Guys? It’s still really early. Everyone please try to rest for just a little more…

Pitter-patter of little feet back down the hall. 

Cat: Meow. Meow. Meeoooooooooow. Meow. Meow.

Everette: Kitty! ‘Mere, kitty! Meow, kitty!

Me: That mother fucking cat!

Chuck: Huh? Go back to sleep, honey. I’ll get up. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7:13 a.m.

Everette: Knock knock!

Junior: Who’s there?

Everette: Banana!

Junior: Banana who?

Everette: Knock knock!

Cat: Meow.

Me: Sigh.

Chuck: I’ll get up. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7:26 a.m.

Pitter-patter of little feet down the hall. 

Junior: Mom? Is it morning yet?

Me: It just turned morning. Like seconds ago.

Junior: My clock says 7.

Me: That’s really early.

Pitter-patter of little feet back down the hall. 

Everette: Knock knock.

Junior: Who’s there?

Everette: Knock knock.

Me: Chuck, remember you said you’d get up?

Chuck: I am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7:31 a.m.

Everette: Down! Downstairs!

Junior: Ssssssssh, Everette. Quiet!

Everette: Downstairs!

Me: I’m coming, Everette.

Chuck: I said I’d get up. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Me: Honey, you’re not even awake.

Chuck: I am. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Everette: Down, now! Downstairs!

Junior: Everette. It’s still night!

Everette: Downstairs!

Me: I’m soooooooo tired.

Junior: Everette’s keeping me awake! Moooooooom!

Me: HONEY??????????

Chuck: Huh? Right. I’m getting up. Right now.

Plodding feet down the hall.

Everette: Dad!

Junior: Hooray!

Stampede down the stairs.

Chuck: Guys, guys, quiet down. Let’s let Mom sleep.

Me: [to cat] You let out one fucking meow and you’re toast.

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